What is Parenting?

The definition of parenting lies somewhere within the seemingly endless series of sleepless nights, boo-boos kissed, noses wiped, fireflies caught, and the many lessons both taught and learned. However, we cannot capture parenting within pages of a scrapbook, or from the sidelines of a little league game. Parenting is not something that can be isolated in a moment. So, what is parenting? It is the philosophy that drives the actions of parents when teaching their children how to become mature, responsible, and independent adults.

Most of us spend considerable time preparing to bring our children into the world. In fact, an entire industry exists in order to supply parents with all of the gadgets and wares that one needs to be a ‘good’ parent. By the time we reach the maternity ward, most of us are well versed in the latest trends in crib bedding, the safest car seats, and just which videos will help Junior get into Harvard. Yet, many of us do not even ponder the definition of parenting until problems arise.

Parenting Dimensions
Child rearing philosophies can be divided into two dimensions of parenting styles: demandingness, and responsiveness (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). The first parenting style dimension encompasses a parent’s methods and patterns of eliciting behavioral control. Whether a parent is considered strict or permissive is an indicator of the parent’s demandingness factor. The second dimension of parenting styles represents the level of warmth and support that parents provide their children. It is within the latter parenting dimension that self-esteem and individuality are able to flourish.

If you think that pair of rain boots and worn out jeans are the only hand-me-downs in your house - take a closer look. For many of us, parenting style dimensions are inherited from our own upbringing. One’s definition of parenting and adoption of parenting style dimensions is often woven with images, memories, and emotions from our childhood. This can occur consciously or unconsciously, and can take the form of an aversive reaction; meaning that one tries to avoid recreating the ‘mistakes’ made by his or her parents.

Parenting Styles
Approaches to child rearing tend to fall within four main parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Indulgent, and Uninvolved (Baumrind, 1991).

Authoritarian Parenting
The authoritarian parent is known for strictness, and keeping his or her kids in line. There is little question as to who runs the show in an authoritarian household. This relationship is centered on the parent’s power, and operates based upon the child’s internalized fear of reprisal and/or punishment. This is not to say that the authoritarian parent wields cruel or harsh disciplinary methods, though this can be the case. However, the methods of discipline are not tempered with loving, reflective discussion. From the perspective of parenting dimensions, they have a high level of demandingness, but a paltry show of responsiveness. These parents use consequences for the purpose of punishment, rather than discipline. Although these terms may sound similar, the difference goes far beyond semantics. Punishment – be it a physical, verbal, or extreme privilege reduction – flexes the parent’s power, but does little to teach the child. Adult children of authoritarian parents can often recall an “extreme Punishment” that they received with greater clarity than the infraction that it followed. On the other hand, parents who discipline their children, do so with the intent of teaching a lesson about the consequences of behavior. The goal of discipline is for the child to learn to control his or her actions without parental intervention.

Authoritative Parenting
The authoritative parenting model employs demandingness with responsiveness to create a structured and supportive environment for a child to learn and grow. The limitations that authoritative parents place upon their children are reasonable, and based upon logic that is communicated to the child. When children violate the rules, authoritative parents reinforce the connection between the child’s action and the resulting consequence. When children are able to understand the logical - cause and effect - connections of their behavior, they develop the ability to self-regulate their impulses and actions.

Because authoritative parents set reasonable limits, and communicate expectations in a manner that is both caring and respectful, their children are less likely to partake in rebellion. Because this parenting relationship is often quite diplomatic, does not mean that the child is considered the parents’ equal. The authoritative parent always remains in control; however, unlike the authoritarian parent who’s power is derived from fear, the authoritative parent has power that is legitimized by the child’s respect and feeling of security.

Indulgent Parenting
The indulgent parent eschews demandingness, yet is highly responsive to the child’s desires. The children of these parents are often indulged to excess, sometimes in attempt to compensate for something that the parent feels he or she cannot provide. Rather than acting as an authority figure, the indulgent parent may appear as a friend to the child. While the child may appear to appreciate the lax relations, his or her ability to develop into a socially competent, productive member of society may be impaired due to the lack of structure.

Despite the Hollywood images of youth regaling in the freedom of a parent-free environment, children need - and flourish in – a structured environment. Sparing a child from demands fails to teach them how to navigate through roles and expectations in life.

Uninvolved Parenting
Both low in demandingness and responsiveness, uninvolved parenting provides neither structure nor support for a child. Uninvolved parenting is not limited to cases of extreme physical neglect, or poverty stricken households. In fact, the family may be affluent, and appear typical to outsiders. However, other interests or demands on the part of the parent interfere with the attention needed by the children. Although their basic needs might be provided for, these children largely bear the responsibility of their own upbringing.

Parenting Style Outcomes
The preponderance of research indicates that children fare best under authoritative parenting. A recent parenting study indicated that adolescents with authoritative parents are less likely to be influenced by peers when making moral decisions (Bednar, 2006). What makes this style so successful is the balance between demandingness and responsiveness. These children are neither coddled nor restrained; instead they are taught how to become responsible, self-assured adults.

Conclusion
For many of us, raising our children will is the most important job we will ever have – and what a tremendous responsibility. Therefore, it is imperative to occasionally step back and assess our performance and make efforts toward becoming better, more effective, parents. From books to classes, to parenting coaches, an abundance of resources exist to aid parents in their journey. A parenting coach, in particular, can be a valuable mechanism for identifying improvement opportunities and guiding you through change. Sometimes we get so caught up in the chaos of our lives and the emotional weight of our relationships that it is difficult to comprehend the processes at work. Seeking an outside perspective from a professional can improve one’s perspective. However, the first step to becoming a better parent is realizing that you can.

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