Healthy Self- Esteem: Basic Building Block for Children
By Dr. Caron B. Goode

Healthy self-esteem, not to be confused with high self-esteem, is an essential personality trait, the foundation of achieving personal goals and the quality of a happy person. Children with healthy self-esteem have confidence in their abilities, will try new things, make mistakes, and learn from them. Confident children have an internal sense of satisfaction as well as an internal value system against which they measure their achievement or progress. They come from an empowered place.

In contrast, children who exude high esteem have little confidence in themselves or their abilities. Thus, they seem empty of values and have no way to gauge their accomplishments except from external sources of approval. In a sense, they may feel powerless rather than empowered.

Research consistently shows us that children with healthy self-esteem grow up into adults with the same trait. They share their ability to interact with people and empathize with the feelings of others.

Self-esteem starts in infancy

The capacity for esteem starts in utero and continues in infancy with the healthy development of a child’s brain and nervous system. Specifically, the components of touch, movement, and empathic interactions with parents or caregivers have their most profound impact on the infant’s right brain as well as the Limbic System, Cerebellum, and Autonomic Nerve System. These areas in particular experience an enormous growth spurt during the first two years of life. “The right brain is primarily involved in processing social and emotional interactions, facilitating an infant’s attachment to caregivers, and regulating emotional and physiological states.”

In short, bonding takes place in infancy and childhood through touch, rocking, and a feeling of closeness to parents and caregivers. Through touch and bonding, we help our children develop that portion of their biochemistry through which they will understand interactions with others.

In fact, the human body has an enormous capacity to learn and deal with changes in biochemistry. It is not fixed. In reality, this loving interaction, touch, and bonding is needed throughout our lives as we adapt and learn flexibility.

Seeing a picture of themselves

Infants become toddlers and form mental pictures of themselves. Each child carries a unique picture of self, shaped in large measure through messages communicated by significant people, especially parents. Imagine a little boy, a toddler, has a camera and takes snapshots of himself and his world every day—smiling, screaming, crying, wondering, contemplating, exercising. He absorbs and integrates these pictures and pairs that with emotional associations, then, presto, he discovers who he is.

We convey healthy self-esteem to our children not only through the faces the toddler sees, but also in the words we say. I often wonder how my daughter turned out so well after the painful, stressful life she encountered as a child. Yet, I remember that, throughout her life, there were moments I would stare at her in wonder and say, “I am so glad you are my daughter. Thank you for being with me in my life.” I hope her mind and body remembered those words when she hurt inside.

What words will your children remember that you said to them? What messages do you convey that contribute to their healthy sense of confidence?

Interpersonal skills important

As children mature and their circle of influence widens to peers and other mentors, they try out their values and personalities on others who will give them feedback and shape their pictures of themselves. This is why interpersonal skills are so important in childhood; it is an important way to gain confidence with people.

Older children find that a sense of accomplishment feeds their self-esteem and, thus, their ability to persist and complete a task. Do they have talents to foster? Skills to employ? Hobbies they want to try? Tweens especially need this outlet for their energy to focus and achieve. They need to compare themselves with others so they can feel good and confident about themselves.

Adolescents also need focus. At this age, they compare themselves with others and take that comparison deeply to heart. Yet, those with confidence have an inner light guiding their way. They can make their own decisions.

Even older teens, though, continue to need someone to believe in them. A mentor, champion, or cheerleader—whatever role a parent plays—be an important influence as they make their own way in the world.

Esteem-building—the healthy kind—is a clear responsibility you have as a parent for a lifetime.

Dr. Caron Goode is the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International, a training schools for those who to be a professional parent coach (http://www.acpi.biz) See Caron’s new book new book, Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma at http://www.InspiredParenting.net.

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