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Parenting
with Style: Why You Might Clash with Your Child
By Dr. Caron B. Goode
Every morning, six-year-old Josh and his mom clash. A daydreamer by nature, Josh
moves through life at a slower pace than his task-oriented mom. This is most
evident in the morning when meandering Josh and his highly organized mother are
trying to get out the door. This daily struggle highlights their obviously
different personal styles.
Personal style is a natural predisposition toward time, stress, people, tasks,
and situations. It is also the foundation on which preferences, reactions, and
life values are built. When parents understand their child’s personal style,
communication and interaction become easier and more effective. This can be
instrumental in helping parents achieve the behavioral results they want, and
the harmony they desire.
What is Your Child’s Personal Style?
According to Terry Anderson, Ph.D., Canada Research Chair in Distance Education
at Athabasca University, there are four personal style categories: behavioral,
cognitive, interpersonal, and affective. There are bits and pieces of each
personal style in all of us, but individuals typically exhibit one that is
dominant.
Behavioral
Behavioral-style children need freedom and self-expression. They are often bold,
willful, productive, competitive, unemotional, and self-reliant. These children
rarely talk about their problems or emotions. Instead they set goals, and take
action. They like to be leaders, and enjoy being recognized for their
achievements. Behavioral-style children are independent learners, and prefer
real-life examples rather than abstract thinking or discussion. They enjoy
structure, dislike control, and will question authority if their parents appear
incongruent.
Parenting Behavioral-Style Children
Parents of behavioral-style children should engage a no-blame, non-emotional
approach to communication. Since these children are typically unemotional,
demonstrative parents shouldn’t take it personally if their child doesn’t
respond in kind. These children appreciate fairness, logic, honesty, and
directness. When assigning tasks to your behavioral-style child, set the
structure, but do not stand over or try to direct his or her activities. You
should give your child the task, state the benefit or reward, and ask when and
how it will be completed.
Cognitive
Cognitive-style children need affirmation and understanding. They are deep
thinkers who like to thoroughly examine issues. They value intimacy, respect,
and good relationships. Cognitive-style children take instruction well, and
admire expertise and knowledge. They are organized, enjoy working with data, and
can be perfectionists. Because their talents often lie in numbers and
mathematics, they may spend hours at their computers.
Parenting Cognitive-Style Children
Showing a cognitive-style child appreciation and respect goes a long way towards
developing a good relationship. When assigning these children a task, remember
cognitive children are not competitive and might not respond to rewards or
games. Instead, lay out the activity and provide the time and freedom necessary
to complete it. If the task goes unfinished, do not argue with the child or make
generalities. Cognitive-style children respond best to calmly stated facts such
as, “You didn’t clean your room today,” as opposed to, “You never clean your
room.” In addition to calmly stating the facts, parents should offer only
constructive suggestions, not criticism. As perfectionists, these children
criticize themselves enough without any help.
Interpersonal
Interpersonal-style children need appreciation and trust. They are highly
perceptive, and require honesty in communication and relationships. These
children are the family peacemakers. They worry if there are arguments or
illnesses, and feel disharmony deeply, often internalizing it.
Interpersonal-style children are sometimes shy, and value secure relationships
and stable environments. Therefore, they do not fare well with transitions
unless they are prepared beforehand.
Parenting Interpersonal-Style Children
Interpersonal-style children respond well to friendly non-threatening
communication. They listen well and are observant. Therefore, modeling behavior
for them is key. As peacemakers, they willingly join forces with parents to
solve problems. When assigning tasks, interpersonal-style children prefer
graduated stages of difficulty so they can easily mark their success. If the
hardest problem is presented first, these children often feel overwhelmed and
don’t complete the tasks at hand. If parents show their appreciation for these
children, they feel great about themselves.
Affective
Affective-style children are highly creative and artistic. As adults, they are
often called visionaries or dreamers. They learn by doing, and need to feel
through things before making decisions. They easily live in the world of ideas,
and are drawn to expressive outlets like writing or organizing games around
friends. They enjoy variety, like being the center of attention, and crave
acknowledgement for their creativity. They also value their friendships and
easily enjoy life.
Parenting Affective-Style Children
Affective-style children respond to affection, conversation, and personal
attention. Allow them to be creative, and encourage them to participate in
drama, group activities, and peer counseling. They are also excellent at fund
raising, and rise to challenges when they are presented with excitement and fun.
Be sure to offer them structure, as well as positive and enthusiastic
discipline. And, good luck asking these kids to take out the garbage!
Dr. Caron Goode is a parenting expert and the director of the Academy of Parent
Coaching International. The Academy offers a parent coaching certification
program for individuals interested in helping families nurture and grow their
children. For more information, visit www.academyforcoachingparents.com
Style Name Preference for… Limited with… Best Learns...
1. Behavioral Tasks\things People\social Independently
2. Cognitive Data\information Tasks\things Visually
3. Interpersonal People\social Ideas\creativity Aurally
4. Affective Ideas\creativity Data\numbers Experientially
Source: Robinson, Everett, T. Why Aren’t You More Like Me? Styles & Skills for
Leading and Living with Credibility. Seattle: Consulting Resource Group
International, Inc. 1997. p. 30
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