Integrating the Whole-Child/Whole-Parent Model into my Parent Consulting Practice
By Nica Guinn

It seems to me of great importance to approach my parent consulting business from the perspective of the whole-child & whole-parent. Without looking at the whole-child/parent, one misses pieces of the puzzle that create people, thinking, well-being, realities and relationships.

What does the whole-child/parent model mean to me? As I understand it, coaching the whole-child/parent involves looking at the mental, spiritual, physical, emotional, social and environmental aspects that make up a person. None of these aspects should be taken in isolation from the other.

For example - an illness is not just a physical issue. It may also be a manifestation of emotional, social, mental or environmental factors. A child who is showing repeated stomach upsets does not necessarily just have a stomach bug. That child may be experiencing stresses at school, such as bullying. Or the child may be being exposed to environmental factors, such as too much bleach used in the home or at school, or indeed be eating a diet of dairy to which they may be allergic. Or even, the child may feel unconfident and nervous about being in social situations. There are any number of possible reasons, which should all be examined before settling on just one solution or path. This is what is so powerful about whole-child parenting – it takes into consideration the whole being, which allows for a much greater chance of really understanding and helping that child.

When a child is having temper tantrums, again, look at the whole-child. Too often parents believe their child is merely being difficult or oppositional, rather than enquiring holistically into the well-being of their child. A tantrum may be the result of stresses building up during the day, or of too much sugar in the diet, or of not having their needs met or listened to. By parenting the whole-child, the parent always assumes that there is some possible cause or combination of causes for the discomfort, and examines the mental, spiritual, emotional, physical and social well-being of their child.

The same holds true for parents. Each day, the parent would be wise to do an inventory of themselves to see if they are being nurtured physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and socially. If one or more elements are missing, or by forgetting one of their own whole-parent needs, that parent may well impose such a deficit inappropriately on their child. A parent who forgets to eat because they are too busy taking care of everyone else, may lose their temper more readily because they have not met their own need for sustenance. A parent who keeps going 24/7 without taking some time to themselves – even if it’s for 5 minutes of quiet – may end up snapping at their families, because they feel overextended and have not taken care of their own needs. A parent who has not been able to get as much sleep as they need, may lose patience quicker than they would if they were rested. Taking good personal care as a parent cannot be over-estimated, so that the parent can refuel and have enough energy to be present and available to their children. The metaphor of putting your own oxygen mask on before putting others’ on, describes one of the great challenges of parenting.

In the whole-child/parent model, parents build variety into their day, both for their own sakes and for that of the children. They may create a daily ritual/quiet time in which the family could meditate or pray together or go for a walk in nature. They may add physical activity – something to nurture the body physically each day, or give the child a massage or some loving touch. They would also probably try and create healthful meals, and perhaps include the children in preparing them to stimulate the child’s mental/cognitive interests. The parent may also do creative and mental work with the child, and also build in some social connection time. It may not be possible to do all of these in one day, but if the parent can hold such variety in their consciousness, and try to expose the child to such opportunities within a span of a few days, then those needs will probably be met.

Part of nurturing the whole-parent/whole-child is using the following three faculties in assessing situations: logic/cognition, intuition & heart. We use our mind, our rational thought to help discuss and uncover what may be going on in a family. In addition, it is also important to use our gut, or “2nd Brain” as Michael Gershon calls it, to focus inwardly and listen to that inner wisdom. Apparently the intestine has over 10,000 more nerve endings than the brain and as a result, is highly sensitive. This “gut brain” helps us feel what may be going on in a situation on an intuitive level. No wonder kids and adults often complain of an upset stomach when they are nervous about something.

The third faculty to use is the heart, in its state of emanating love. The Heart Math Institute has demonstrated the power of heart waves. Just like brain waves, heart waves have been shown to be very strong in affecting those around us. Feelings of love and joy that are generated from the heart and passed on to another through talking, touch or thought, can last in the other’s body for at least 6 hours. (Likewise feelings of anger and fear will stay in the body for that time – which is why it is so important to choose our emotions and how and when we use them.)

An important parent coaching tool is to have a parent or child place their hand on their gut and ask what the gut wants to say to them, and likewise, put their hand on their heart and listen to what the heart wants to say. Ask those organs: “What can I do to help you right now”, or “What do you need to not feel scared?” and then listen for the answers from the gut and the heart. You may additionally sometimes also ask the mind, though often that form of thinking is more readily available and has already surfaced, whereas the wisdom of the heart and gut had not been tapped.

Similarly, as part of the whole-parent/whole-child model, we need to coach families to learn about emotional fitness. The first step is to teach parents and children to recognize and articulate their feelings. Bring them to awareness that they are having an emotion, or a flow of a particular energy in their body. Then teach them to name the emotion. This can be done through play, and giving the emotion a character e.g. “is that Angry Annie?”, or through stories or drawing or dancing or other creative expression.

The next step is to teach people that they have choice over their emotion. Once they are aware of the emotion, can recognize and name it, people can then choose appropriate ways to channel it or indeed whether they want to continue feeling it. For example, an angry toddler might be taught to beat up on pillows instead of his sister; or a frustrated parent may be encouraged to paint their frustrations on a large piece of paper rather than take it out on their children. Emotional self-regulation and fitness is a key skill to learn in the whole-parent/whole-child model, and is apparently accountable for 95% of someone’s ability to succeed in life.

As a powerful compliment to emotional fitness, the use of empowering, positive language within families is vital. Language creates the foundation for our thoughts, which then turn into our beliefs and finally our behavior. If you speak Spanish to your child, they will learn to speak Spanish. Likewise, whatever words and language you use with your children, will be the language that they use with themselves and those around them. In a recent study done in Iowa, it was shown that the average ratio of negative to positive phrases in a typical home was 14:1! So for every one positive message a child is receiving, they are hearing 14 negative messages! Most children internalize those negative messages, and believe that this is who they are. Since their self-concept is mostly formed by age 6, this can have a powerful detrimental effect on the development of self-esteem and personal well-being. As a result, in coaching the whole-parent/whole-child, it is important to pass on the use of positive, empowering, self-responsible phrases, such as choice language, descriptive and appreciative feedback, and using such phrases as “next time” as an alternative to “don’t”. For more ideas on how to use positive, communicative, connecting language in families, see Chick Moorman’s book “Parent Talk”.

Of course the environment and physical conditions within a family need to be addressed too. The environment, such as neighborhood, town, country, school, friends etc. can greatly impact children and parents’ stress levels. During war-time or economic downturn, or in dangerous neighborhoods, families are likely to have more stressed environments at home. Also, the physical environment, such as the use of toxic chemicals in the home, or toxic paints and building materials etc. can greatly impact a child or adult’s sense of well-being. Illness, brain damage, and behavioral problems can result from over-exposure to particular toxic substances, that unfortunately exist in many commonly used household cleaning products, building materials etc. And of course, a person’s actual physical self-expression is important. Is a parent or child getting enough exercise, enough of a physical outlet for their emotions? Or are they neglecting that side of their self-care and thereby trapping feelings and energies in their bodies?

Finally, it is important to coach families in creating a sense of the spiritual in their home, as this nurtures their sense of inner worth and connection with something beyond themselves. In the early years of a child’s development, such a sense can be created through touch, love, peaceful shared moments and bonding. A families’ sense of values and connection are important in creating a strong spiritual foundation. This teaches children to develop a strong inner voice and sense of guidance. As children mature, they can be taught spiritual qualities such as healthy self-esteem, empathy, service, kindness and caring. Families can undertake service projects to nurture and take care of those in need. In addition families can create a spiritual sanctuary in the home, or construct family vision boards or picture books, which uphold the family values and dreams.

So to summarize, coaching the whole-parent and whole-child involves considering the spiritual, emotional, mental, social, linguistic, physical and environmental conditions in which the family is living. All questions and issues should be approached from this holistic, multi-dimensional perspective, in order to obtain an accurate assessment of the situation and also offer more balanced solutions. Coaching the whole-child, whole-parent is a way of showing utmost respect to another human being, by taking into account their infinite uniqueness and multi-dimensionality.

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